Boundaries

    We all have them. Some to keep us in line. Some to keep others at arms length. What are yours for?

    Think about our boundaries. We teach them to our children.  "Don't get up in people's faces." "Don't touch your brother. Stay on your half of the couch." "Only go on group dates." "Don't loan money to your family and close friends."
  
    These are basic boundaries we learn as we grow up. Of course, as we experience life, and cross some of these boundaries, testing the water, we lose some of them.  What happens when life beats us down, smacks us around, and leaves us on the side of the road battered and bruised?

    We end up with walls, not boundaries. Walls that keep those around us at arms length.  Walls that keep us from making mistakes and choices we fear are wrong. Walls that keep in feelings of unworthiness and self-doubt. Walls that keep out freedom to be who we are meant to be, to set us free.

   How can we get the walls to come down? Trust. In those closest to us. We all have warts that have grown over time. Those that love us, our dearest friends, have touched those warts and weren't afraid. They can help us take the walls down, slowly, one brick at a time. No judgement, no ridicule, no pity.  Only tenderness, guidance and patience.

    What happens when the wall blocks love from entering in? Can we survive? Can life be truly all it can be without the love of others? Trust. It's all we can do. And not let the world go by.

  

Love Sparks

    Nothing like a well-built man in tights to spark your interest. For instance, take Captain America, mild mannered military man, small in stature and size, risks his life by stepping into a capsule that suddenly makes him taller and buff.  He puts on tights and mask and, whew, the fantasy starts.
  
    Imagine lying in bed, sound asleep, you feel the briefest touch.  Your eyes open to this statuesque man.  His costume shows every bump and bulge.  He flexes his muscles.  Your breath catches. Who is he? Why is he here?

    Ok, one for the guys.  Traffic is backed up on the freeway. Its 100 degrees in the shade. You can't wait to get home. Cars are at a standstill. You look up ahead and a woman steps out of her car.  She's leggy, brunette and busty.  She stands in the middle of the street, spins around and, poof, she's gone from her business suite to a strapless one-piece.  Wonder Woman is headed your way. She stops by your sports car and taps on the window, her breasts at eye level.  What would she want with you? Why now?

    Fantasies.  We all have them. Whether they're with a total stranger, a super hero, or your significant other, they all add spice to life.   In the movie "Four Christmases" Reese Witherspoon's and Vince Vaughn's characters roll play for added excitement.  They pretend they don't know each other and meet in a bar. Fantasies.  Have you tried any? How do you add spice to life?

    Does it mean we feel less for our special someone if we fantasize they're someone else for  the briefest of moments? Does it mean life is dull and mundane if the French maid's outfit comes out before Halloween?  If a new outfit, quirky dialog, or jumping on the bed aren't for you, turn the lights off and close your eyes. Who do you see? Let your mind wonder. Take a fantasy trip and live a little.

    Her fingers brushed his arm. Her touch burned his skin; the kind of heat that tingles, sends a warming sensation to his loins.  His breath caught. He looked down at her.  Her eyes, warm pools of desire, looked up at him with longing.

    Remember that feeling? Is that feeling only possible at the start of a relationship or can it be kept alive for years? Romance books flaunt it.  Movies capitalize on it.  Is it a real feeling?  Is it lust or can it last?

    We've all had that experience.  We try to recreate years into our relationships.  Do you know the couple that still has it?  What are they like? Do they have children?  We all want that.  Its the reason we date, the reason some have affairs.  Is it reality?

    There are couples who've been together 40, 50 plus years.  You see her look up into his eyes. He takes her hand.  They glow.  How have they managed to keep that ultimate feeling? Years of work.  Romancing each other.  Listening to one another.  Loving.  Can all couples have this?

    That feeling is out there. Its our task to grab hold of it and not take advantage of it. Its a gift.  It is possible to experience it more than once, but do you really want to take that chance?

Can Love Last Forever

    From the time we are small we are taught to strive for a goal - live happily ever after.  But is that realistic? Is it possible?
    From watching many friends, as well as my own marriage, happily ever after is a relative term.  Who's version of happy? What does happy really mean? Is there such a thing? I mean, comfortable and routine is happy for many, lack of conflict is happiness for others, where as a clashing of the minds is a kind of happiness for some. When are you just settling, thinking nothing can be better? Can there be better?
    Stepping back from your relationship and looking at it from the outside, if its possible, is one step. Is your marriage the way you want it to be? Are you and your spouse growing in the same direction? Are you both evolving? Or has one of you changed direction, leaving the other behind?
    After many years of marriage I have found it common that at least one partner starts to change.  It might be during mid-life that causes the question to be asked, "Is this all there is?".  I know from my experience wife, mom and customer service rep wasn't all I wanted to be remembered for.  I felt hollow.  There is more to me. I talked with another writer who simply said,"I hear voices in my head and I have to write down what they say".  I feel the same way,  I'm compelled. Its crazy, I know, but if you write you know how I feel. And, I know if you know me, you think I'm a workaholic. Truly I'm not. I love my down-time. I just need more to fulfill me than a cubical in an office. Fitness isn't a new career for me either.  I was very involved in teaching and personal training thirteen years ago, before our daughter came along.
    I don't regret the decisions I made, family-wise or career-wise.  But as I reach my late forties I have to be true to myself now.  The question isn't "is this all there is", but "is this all I want it to be"? And where, as I change, does my spouse fit into all this? Is it a question of love? I have to ask that. As I examine my motivations and where I see myself in the years to come, where does my past fit in?
    Did I fall out of love? If so, when did it happen?  I have asked myself and, as I look back, it was a long time ago. I think, out of habit, I went through the motions, being a dutiful wife and figuring this is all there would be.  I watched as friends' marriages fell apart and began to examine mine. What made mine different?  Why were we still together? Everyone thought we were perfect but were we?  I realized I smoothed things out to keep the peace.  I rearranged my schedules to suit everyone else.  I gave up the things I loved to make everyone else happy.  It was time to find out what maked me happy.
    First, I started writing.  It was a wonderful outlet.  I wasn't sure I'd really want to try to get published, just getting the voice onto paper.  Then, as I wrote, and others read it, I thought, why can't I get published. So I'm working toward that goal. Then, I found an old friend and was asked to help him with his business.  Its three hours away and a great getaway. I might work a few hours, helping him to market his business and ideas, the rest of the time is relaxation.  Its my nirvana. And then I got back into fitness.  Not just working out and getting healthy but helping others do the same thing. Oh, and I make money at it too.  All during this I found my independence again.
    I have always been independent but I allowed myself to appear dependent in my relationship. Over the last five years I had been gradually gaining my independence back.  My husband had been going through his own mid-life and exerting his independence, which excluded 'honey-dos', causing me to take care of things.  So I guess I owe my resurgence of independence to him, indirectly. In gaining my independence I had to figure out where he fit into all this. Where did love, if there was any, play a part?
   I have deep feelings for my husband but am I "in love"? I have asked myself that question over and over.  I don't wish him any ill-will but is this partnership at its end? Can mere caring for one another be enough? I'm not a rash person; I think things through.  Can love last forever? For some, maybe.  For me.....

When Is Mid-Life

    I've heard about the dreaded "Mid-Life" my whole life.  My parents talked about it like it was a disease.  I've had friends who have reached it. But the big question is, "When do I reach it, or have I"? 

    My parents and their friends, all almost forty years my senior, equated "Mid-Life" with menopause (his and hers).  Now that my friends and I have reached our forties, and beyond, we look for the dreaded "Mid-Life Crisis".  I know those ten years plus my age still considered "Mid-Life" to be a woman's menopausal years, but with men it was when they bought the red sports cars, divorced their wives and dated their secretaries and assistants twenty years their junior. I have begun to look at it as a turning point. 

    After watching many of my friends divorce in their mid to late forties, find new careers, and see their kids all grown, it gave me a new meaning to "Mid-Life".  Not every "Mid-Life" moment is a crisis. My husband retired from the military at thirty-nine.  He started a new career with Homeland Security thanks to 911 - 09/11/01 was his original retirement ceremony and was rescheduled due to the terror that day. He found a new career, we moved and started over. I think that time in his life could be considered his "Mid-Life".  Of course, five years later he dreamt of a motorcycle, tattoo, and helped his daughter buy a red sports car that ended up in our driveway.  He had a relapse....but no crisis, unless you want to count the car payment we added to our budget. 

    I have a friend that divorced her husband of over twenty years, has bought her own house and is going back to school for a new career.  The only crisis is that she was forced out of her old job but it has helped her take a leap of faith into a new career. 

    I have another friend that suffered in a difficult marriage for many years for the sake of her children. Once they were grown, she was able to free herself of the bondage she was in to find true, selfless love with the man she was meant to be with. 

    So why does "Mid-Life" have such a negative connotation? Maybe because many figure out they need to go down a path that their spouse doesn't want to follow. For many that may mean a divorce. No one ever said life would always be the same or easy. 

   Have I stepped into "Mid-Life"? I think those that know me the best would say, by my definition, I have. I have lost some weight (not as much as I would like - yet), I've started a couple new careers (writing being one of them), and my outlook on life has changed. Is it causing difficulty in my daily routine?  Have the changes I'm making made an impact? Oh yeah.  Now what do I do? Not rock the boat or go where I am lead?  Lead and see who follows....

Are You Speaking The Same Language

    Have you ever wondered why your "significant other" can't read your mind? Send all the right signals and they still can't seem to figure out what your saying? Are you speaking the same language? Love language, that is.
    In the book Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman,  is listed the five ways we love. Unfortunately, not all of us have the same language as our partners. This can cause hurt feelings and miscommunication in our relationships. Figure out your love language and see if your partner speaks it:
1-Words of Affirmation - you desire unsolicited compliments. This one is mine. I didn't get much praise growing up and love to get a compliment.  I'm not always very good at accepting them but I love to hear them.  These can include anything from "dinner was great", to "you look amazing today".
2-Quality Time - this is receiving your partner's undivided attention, whether its talking about your day or having dinner together.  No cell phones, no distractions.
3-Receiving Gifts - receiving an unexpected gift where thoughtfulness, love and effort were put into it.  Its not about dollar value.
4-Acts of Service - Surprise!  The dishes are done, or the kids have already been picked up. These are the "let me do that for you" moments.
5-Physical Touch - I know you're expecting this to be sex - not exactly. Some people are very "touchy", lots of hugs, pats, holding hands, thoughtful touches.  These are ways to show excitement, concern, care and love.
    OK, now think about those. Which is the most important to you? They are all great and we all like them but which one speaks to you the most? You can have more than one but usually one is dominant. I have already admitted Words of Affirmation is mine but so is Physical Touch.  I'm a patter. I touch folks when I talk to them. Now think about your loved one. What is their love language? They probably do examples of theirs to you. We tend to give examples of our love language to others, thinking they like it too. For instance, I have a friend who's husband likes to receive gifts so he buys her things all the time. Her love language is physical touch and he rarely touches her (except for sex). So she tries to hold his hand and he's not interested. See how this works?
    The goal would be to learn each others language so you can meet each others needs. So, your homework assignment, should you chose to accept, is to figure out yours and your partner's love language.  See if you can speak each others language.
  

How To Find That Special Someone

I was recently asked how to find that special someone? Where do you look? Is dating different now than it was 20 years ago?

It's just as complicated as it was when we were twenty-somethings looking for a good time. I watch my newly, and some not so newly, single friends struggle with dating. Do you ask the blonde sniffing melons out to dinner? Or is that just too weird? Do you go to the nightclub and pick up that guy, who at 9PM was just so-so but at 1AM he's looking pretty good? Do you start going to church in hopes they'll be someone there you click with? Do you try speed-dating? Safe environment, only have to spend a few minutes together, no commitment.

Oh, don't forget social media. FaceBook and dating sites are introducing men and women to each other all the time. I have a few friends that reconnected with old flames through social networking. They seem to be happy. I have a couple friends that tried dating sites. It was an interesting way to meet people with similar interests and get to know them a bit before actually seeing them face-to-face. I think it's different for everyone.

Self-confidence and just plain bravery are the main key. Meeting someone new is scary. Unless you're an FBI agent or a cop you're on your own trying to figure out if this new person is a good, upstanding individual or a serial killer. I'm not trying to scare you but those things are out there. Group dating is always a safe bet. When you see that cute redhead tugging at leaves on the pineapples strike up a none-threatening conversation. Ask her how to tell if the pineapple is ripe. If she's friendly and responds with a smile continue chatting about fruit or grocery shopping. If you feel she's interested invite her to a quiet bar or to a fun restaurant like a sushi or sports bar. Tell her you'll have two to three friends and ask her to bring the same. You both will feel safe if you don't hit it off since you'll have your buddies to keep you company.

At any age dating is a challenging endeavor. People change from the first time you meet to the twentieth date. In our forties and fifties most of us have set habits we chose not to change so that's important to remember. If you aren't liking that they are a pack-rat, a shopaholic, drink alcohol or smoke there is little chance they will change for you. The same holds true for your habits - are you willing to change for them? Be flexible but cautious as you search for your mate. Love can be around the corner if you're willing to step out of your comfort zone. Remember all they can say is no.