To Fall In Love

Does everyone want to be in love? What about marriage? Does everyone want to be married?

I look back to my dating days in my early twenties. Yes, love and marriage were very important to me, to all of my girlfriends. I remember how dating went (yes, it was a long time ago but I do still remember): we'd meet, go on a date or two or three, I wanted a relationship, he didn't.  I have surveyed friends from back then and they remember it similarly.  Most of the guys were not that interested in having a monogamous relationship or ready to get married. 

Flip the calendar twenty-five to thirty years in the future. Same friends surveyed...men are more interested in a monogamous relationship and marriage than women around the same age. Why is that? Why the switch? I have a theory.

When men are twenty the world is their oyster: they are young, have all the vim and vigor (yes, I said vim and vigor) and they know they are studs. Women, on the other hand, are looking for safety and security for their future, marriage being the answer. But when women reach their mid-forties, they have careers, learned they can support themselves and live independently. Men, on the other hand, seem to begin to want the safety and security of not living alone in their later years. 

I'm not saying any of this is wrong, its just interesting and totally explains why young women marry older men and why cougar women date young men. Obviously, we have all known couples that married young and grew old together.  I don't mean to imply this to "all" men or women, but I have noticed it quite a bit.  Look back at your younger dating years.  What do you remember? What about now? Are you single or have single friends? Are you looking for love?

An Unromantic Romance Writer

I know, you're asking,"WHAT?"

I'm really not a romantic. Never have been. But I love writing and reading romance. Maybe it's my lack of romance that attracts me to it. The sweet love stories, the torrid, stormy romances, the historical highlander-invades-and-kidnaps tales - I love them! Don't ask me to recite a gushy romantic comment. I don't have any in my vocabulary. If they are said to me I have to hide the eye-rolling terse comment that tries to escape my thoughts. I know, its sad.

So, now you're wondering, "How does she write romance then?" Well, I watch everyday life. I listen to other people.  I read a lot! Yes, my friends can vouch for me  - I steal their lines, their stories, their comments. I have many romantic friends who tell me their tales, in confidence of course, and, yes, I use their love, pain and mushy stories. No one is safe!

I can't help it! They are my muse. Oh, I have the voice in my head that comes up with a bit of gooeyness every now and then, but my friends are my real motivation.  I enjoy reading and, especially, writing romance. The ideas flow but to add that special something - the perfect quote, a great setting, that special description of the perfect kiss - my friends are great contributors.

So, as you read my blogs and, hopefully someday, my books, you'll know I had a ton of help in writing them.  Oh, I could never disclose who gave me that perfect line or that warm and fuzzy date.  That would be just wrong on so many levels. Also, that friend would stop sharing their feelings with me. Just enjoy the fact that you know the story is a collaboration of great friendships coming together to share their deepest secrets.

A Time For Patience

Patience...Not something we enjoy having.  In our got-to-have-it-now society its definitely not encouraged.  I was even told on multiple occasion not to pray for it. Reason being, the way to gain patience is to practice patience.  Who wants to do that?

Whether its in looking for a job, looking for a new home or car, working on a relationship or raising children, patience has a roll. How do you handle patience?

Patience can be your friend or your foe.  Its so hard not to rush into things.  Impatience is so much more popular.  The struggle to wait on something, something that can be great, is difficult for most. Friends, family and colleagues will suggest you "do it now", "hurry before you change your mind", "you deserve it now".  But do we really need anything at this very moment?  Aren't some things better when you have to wait on them a bit? Don't we learn to value relationships we have to cultivate? Don't we appreciate something if we wait until we can really afford it?

When we have children we are constantly telling them they will have to wait.  Why aren't we taking our own advice? Sometimes, once we've waited a bit, we decide the thing we thought we really wanted isn't so important anymore - saving us the time and money we would have wasted otherwise.  And, sometimes, we find out having to wait on something or someone has made it more worthwhile.

The Outsider

Were you ever the outsider in high school? You know, the one no one really noticed? Oh, you had friends, even close ones, but you never really fit in.

You know who I'm talking about, the gal who had the crush on the quarterback but could never tell him.  Instead she shared her History notes, let him cheat off her Spanish test and passed the notes he sent to the head cheerleader.  But she had the hugest crush. She knew he would never like her back but she still couldn't help crushing.

Look around you.  These outsiders are still around. Crushing on people they know will never reciprocate their feelings. You know these people. Maybe you're one, maybe you have someone around you, crushing on you. How do you treat them? Have you embraced them as a friend or do you abuse their over-eagerness to please you?

Why am I writing about these outsiders, you're asking? To remind us they have feelings too. You may never date this person but acknowledge they are are important. If you think back they have probably been a better friend to you than whomever you are calling your best friend. Also, to remind us that we shouldn't judge a book by its cover.  I know it cliche, but very true.  Sometimes, when you take the time to really get to know them, you find there is more to them than meets the eye.

My favorite outsider reference is the movie "Princess Diaries".  The story of a clumsy, plain girl - an outsider - who becomes a princess of a country.  Come to find out, she has on outsider following her - a cute boy - who she comes to realize is a great guy.  My only complaint it she has to be remodeled physically.  Too bad. Would have been a better story if they had accepted her as she was. The princess was still inside.

My point being, look around you. If you have an outsider crushing on you, realize there is more, so much more, to them.  If you're an outsider, find someone to be your friend who'll accept you for who you are.  We all have a prince/princess waiting to get out!

Masked Chat

You've found that special someone. They say all the right things, are interested in what is going on in your life and you have tons in common. There's just one glitch...You don't know what they look like.  Yep! You met them on a social networking site and they have no photo. 

I know its strange but think about it. Your mind is stimulated by the hours of conversations with them.  You excited every time you chat with them; its the best part of your day. They seem enamored by you as well. Do you need to see what they look like?

There's a small Mexican village in terrible need of a savior from a tyrannical leader.  Zorro zooms in and saves the day.  Did anyone ask him to take his mask off? Did the lovely woman he swoops by and kisses ask? Nope! They were just glad he was there. 

Your chat buddy is a kind of superhero.  They brighten your day and make you feel good about yourself.  Do you ever wonder if they are real? How old they are? If they're telling you the truth? Will you ever meet them? Does it matter? 

Boundaries

    We all have them. Some to keep us in line. Some to keep others at arms length. What are yours for?

    Think about our boundaries. We teach them to our children.  "Don't get up in people's faces." "Don't touch your brother. Stay on your half of the couch." "Only go on group dates." "Don't loan money to your family and close friends."
  
    These are basic boundaries we learn as we grow up. Of course, as we experience life, and cross some of these boundaries, testing the water, we lose some of them.  What happens when life beats us down, smacks us around, and leaves us on the side of the road battered and bruised?

    We end up with walls, not boundaries. Walls that keep those around us at arms length.  Walls that keep us from making mistakes and choices we fear are wrong. Walls that keep in feelings of unworthiness and self-doubt. Walls that keep out freedom to be who we are meant to be, to set us free.

   How can we get the walls to come down? Trust. In those closest to us. We all have warts that have grown over time. Those that love us, our dearest friends, have touched those warts and weren't afraid. They can help us take the walls down, slowly, one brick at a time. No judgement, no ridicule, no pity.  Only tenderness, guidance and patience.

    What happens when the wall blocks love from entering in? Can we survive? Can life be truly all it can be without the love of others? Trust. It's all we can do. And not let the world go by.

  

Fear Of The Unknown

You see a handsome guy at a party and you want to talk to him, but you don't. You've been dating her a month and you want to tell her you love her, but you don't.

Why don't we just jump in with both feet? Take the plunge? See what happens? Fear! Where does that fear come from? Past experience.

Remember when you were a kid and you'd try anything? I remember climbing chain link fences.  I was brave until my jeans got caught at the top of a fence once and I couldn't get down. That was the end of my climbing days.  Or how you wrote notes to the guy/gal you liked, "I love you, do you love me? Circle yes or no"? Even when you received "no" you persevered, wrote a note to your second fav and moved on. I was brave until forth grade....Not only did I get a resounding "no" but "your fat" came along with it. No more notes after that!

Rejection is probably one of man's (and woman's) greatest fears.  Who wants to be shot down?  The problem is if you don't put it out there you'll never know if your fear is unfounded. I know, easier said then done.  In my twenties fear of rejection was probably my number one fear, heights being the second thanks to the fence. But in my forties I'm not so worried about it.  Granted I'm not out looking for dates but there is rejection, and fear of it, in all areas of our lives. I have come to realize I'm not getting any younger and if I want life to be at its best I have to step out of my box. I have to take rejection by the horns and give it a shake!

Life can be as exciting and fun as we want it to be if we are not afraid to grow from a bit of rejection. Rejection can be good.  We learn from it and move forward.  Look at it as stepping stones to greatness. Fearing it only holds you back. Yes, sometimes the rejection isn't polite, friendly, or thoughtful. Sometimes its ugly and hurtful.  Take a step back, shed a tear, regroup, put on your big girl thong and get back out there. Fearing the unknown and not facing that fear puts life on hold.  Do we really have that kind of time?

Bringing Romance Back Into Your Relationship

Remember the beginning of your relationship?  Every time he walked into the room your stomach did flip-flops.  Just the way she looked at you made you weak in the knees? What happens to that feeling? Where does it go?

Life happens and we start to take each other for granted.  You might have children and they take all your focus.  Or you just get too comfortable with each other: pass gas around each other, share the bathroom at the same time, or just stop wearing makeup while your home.  All these little things make us forget why we fell in love originally.

Remember how you tried to look your best, even when it was time to go to bed? How do you get that back? Are you still in love or just in a routine?

I have seen many couples divorce after many years of marriage because they just don't have passion for each other.  Are those who are still married, feeling a bit stuck in a rut, settling? Or is love just that way?  Does passion have to end?  It's such a high and makes you look forward to a new day. Why can't that be something we feel all the time?

I don't have the answer.  I wish I did.  Is moving on to a new relationship the answer? Will the passion eventually fizzle out of that one too leaving you to hop to the next? Is passion love? Does love have passion? Hmmm....thoughts to ponder.

How Well Do You Really Know Them?

Have you met that special someone?

Your eyes meet across a crowded room and you just know he's the one.  You see the moonlight behind her; the way her hair flows when she walks and you know she's the one. You do everything you can to meet them.  You begin to date, plan your future together and....they just aren't who you thought they were.

You just knew he/she was the one.  You got along great, had similar interests, laughed at the same jokes. You move in together.  Life is a dream.  Then one day you get a collect call from the local jail.  He had a warrant for his arrest - pedophilia.  She meets your family for the first time - the whole family - and starts to freak out after the main course.  "You think I'm crazy!" she screams and runs out.  Everyone stares at you.

You have no idea what's going on. This is someone else, not the loving, caring person you've been spending your nights with. How did you miss the signs? Surely there were signs...

Love is blind, so the saying goes.  Sometimes it is. How many times have you heard of couples married years to find out their spouse was not the person they thought they were. Count yourself lucky you found out before the wedding!

Definition of Romance

How would you define romance? Hmmm, would it be a candlelight dinner under the stars, a walk along the beach hand in hand or a special look when you least expect it?

I have come to learn that my outlook of romance has changed over the years. When I was young-er, in my teens and early twenties, BH (before husband), it was those wonderful starry eyed scenes from chick flicks.  Women in distress, saved by a handsome stranger, they look into each other's eyes and wham! they're in love.  Oh, all my girlfriends thought so too. The knight in shining armor was coming to take us away on his white horse.

Then I dated a few of those knights and realized there was no horse, sometimes there was no car, and he wanted me to take him to a different town to get away from his crazy ex-wife. Not so romantic. Did I become cynical? A little.

Of course I have since learned there is more to romance than one special event. Its a series of moments that make the romance in a relationship.  A few of my favorites are holding hands as we walk through the mall, a kiss on the neck for no apparent reason, a massage that's not considered foreplay.  I've talked to a some friends and they all agree seeing our men wash the dishes, vacuum the house and take the kids to soccer practice while we get in a bubble bath ranks up there pretty high too.

Don't call me a hypocrite when you read my book though (when I finally finish it and someone thinks its wonderful and publishes it).  Yes, I used the typical romantic stuff you read everywhere else, but I think I added some of the grown up romance too.  She's not overly sexy and it wasn't love at first sight.  He is super handsome and every woman wants him (gee, I'm not perfect).  Life can be both.  They are, at least, grown ups, both in their 40's, with grown up problems and grown up lives.  I tried....